Melissa Says...

To make every single holiday unnecessarily dramatic and depressing.

Just shoot me in the face and put me out of my misery? Assisted suicide is legal in Oregon…

To have the person who knows you best in this world think you are the sorriest excuse for a human being to have ever lived. Because I do.

So, how does it feel? Terrible, I hope.

And best of luck to you. You’re gonna need it.

I just think that there’s something wrong with me. That I’m defective, somehow. That there’s something inside of me that repulses the people who get close enough to me to see it. I go to the end of the world and back for people and it means shit. In return I get fucked over and told it’s my fault. Or abandoned like an old toy that has served it’s purpose; to entertain, to be used, and to be replaced with something better when you’ve grown tired of it and it no longer amuses you. It’s exhausting. And it’s been like this my whole life. My father is the only human being ever to go out of their way to see that I am happy and a consistent part of their life. And it’s only because it’s his parental obligation. I don’t know what to do anymore. Something has GOT to give and I’m afraid of how the desperation for this pressure to subside will manifest itself. I feel like I’m imploding. Like my whole body is crumbling in on itself until I will become nothingness. I’ve been nothingness. I am nothingness.

When I write posts like the last one, or any post for that matter. It’s not like anyone’s reading the shit I say. Which is fine because I would only be wasting their time, anyway.

And that’s the last of ‘em! The people in my life who supposedly gave any sort of shit about me, that is. They’ve been disappearing, slowly but surely, one by one, and tonight every last trace of them has vanished. 

Are you happy now? 

I’m not your lover, I’m not your family.

Fill in all the cracks, there’s nothing I wouldn’t change. But wishing never helps, wishing never helped, wishing never solved a thing.